Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize