i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
