I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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