It's Friday. Sex?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize