you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
