i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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