You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Im part way to drunk.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
