im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
