I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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