I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
