I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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