if you like me you must not know who I am
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
