If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
