her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
