Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
