Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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