I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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