She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
