i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
