I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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