Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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