If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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