I'm jealous of your bromance
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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