Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he was CRYING into my vagina
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
