felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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