Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Randomize
