I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize