At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
