I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
