just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
