Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
