I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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