She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
