I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
