If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just invented taco cereal.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
