I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Randomize
