tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
