Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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