I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i love accidental penises.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
