I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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