can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
