Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
