I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize