is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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