I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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