I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
