Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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