I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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