He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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