I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
