i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
