i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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