just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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