I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I will pee on everything he values.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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