I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
