lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize