2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
