her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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