We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaÃt comercial?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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