woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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