I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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