I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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